Thought Disorder

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I'm looking at Sakae Sushi's website now, feeling extremely hungry. It's partly because I have not had dinner and that dinner will be at quite a late hour. Ugh I must carefully plan what to eat tomorrow to avoid being overloaded with food...that common feeling after eating like crazy because of starvation for the whole day.

But it's a nice reward for the 10 weeks of hard work we've put in! SURVIVED IT ONCE AGAIN. Another few months to the real thing ahh crazy shit. Plus a reward for myself for surviving the close to 3-week long ordeal of a bad headache and tinnitus. I actually survived even though I thought it was a brain tumour. Turned out that it was migraine after I got referred to the hospital. How stress renders me crazy at such a young age eh. And of course the start of a desirable long 4-week break which will accompanied by undesirable studying, studying and more studying. I hope I will be highly productive. Need to redo lunwen also :( And attend many lectures :( AHHHH time is not on my side...

GP common test today was bad. Compre was bad - I'm not naturally good at it so yeah guess I really need to buck up for A Levels (I think: 158 days away?) 1 December 2009 marks the real liberation from 12 years of formal education. CSC paper!!! After A Levels, I aspire to do nothing for a week. I will sleep for 3 days and watch dramas for 4 days. But now, I must first stop the idea that tomorrow is a holiday because it is not and I should attempt to do math tutorial. Sigh! I will sleep early today! :)

7:34 PM

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The bad episode is over. Or at least for now.

The aftermath: A stronger person.

10:33 PM

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Never felt worst.

It's one of the most crucial years of my life and it just feels like I'm falling into an abyss.

After a few days of sinking into depression, floating through school, crying and sleeping a lot, I realised that life shouldn't go on like that. While being depressed the last few days, I thought through the last few weeks or even previous years of my life when health was a given and life was simply just about worrying for tests and exams. I also thought about the future if this condition is here to stay. The future looked extremely bleak. I also thought about death, a quick but frightening solution. What about my family who depends on me wholly in the future? Or my friends who kept encouraging me these few weeks?

My facial muscles kind of hurt and felt numb when I smiled for the first time in days. Deep down, it's a fear that I know it's unconquerable. Given a choice, I'd rather have a perpetual headache rather than the disturbing perpetual high-pitch sound in my head. I also keep praying that miracles will happen and that every day when I wake up, life will just be back to normal again.

Hope, faith, perseverance.

7:18 PM

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Happy birthday Shi Ning! :D
Happy birthday to me.

It's probably the worst birthday in my whole 18 years. I feel super depressed. Almost for the whole day. I really hate being plagued with health problems. There's this high pitch sound in my head now. (Tinnitus) I'm quite positive that I'm not hallucinating. Makes me abhor quiet places really badly now and I've to study with the iPod on. At this moment in time, I can only pray to God and hope like crazy that it's only temporary. Going to visit the doctor tomorrow because the area above my left eye is still a bit pain when I press it. In case of blood clotting? And also for the disturbing high pitch sounds in my head. Be gone illnesses!

Thank you to Gary for talking to me about it today. And also for giving me advice. (Others will just dismiss me with a "DON'T WORRY LAH!! NOTHING IS WRONG")

Life is really, really bleak.

10:16 PM

Monday, May 11, 2009

Super super depressing that my eyebrow ache (err the region above my left eye) is back to haunt me. Not as bad as before and no more stabbing pain in the eye (hate this!) but still a very disturbing feeling. My thoughts will really run wild because of this. Makes me feel very depressed about life but at the same time, it makes me want to cherish every moment of my life even though there's nothing exciting going on everyday. I hope it's not a brain tumour. I also wonder why it's still pain if it is really a bruise because I had the accident more than 2 weeks ago. Permanent blood clotting that renders me a permanent crippled? Ah acupuncture I need you very much!!! Please work like a miracle again. Or whatever wonder pill. Hospitals are very scary, I think. They make me feel that life is very bleak especially when there are such stringent measures here and there. I hope I can totally avoid going there for my stubborn pain :( If not, I guess I'm really in deep trouble...

I hope not!

Must really live life to the fullest now in case anything bad happens to me. Ahh. Even though studying hard is not exactly 'living life to the fullest' but it's the most I can do now.

:( I need a miracle.

12:41 AM

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

6 years of DHSCO culminating today with our final 荣誉金

I remember just now I was holding Shi Ning's hand really tightly when they were about to announce our results. It's either hero or zero. The start of a new legacy or the fall of an old one?

2 years ago, we did it.

2 years later, we did it again.

But it didn't exactly feel as good as 2 years ago...we all know this in our hearts.

If this is like what Mr L__ describe some people to be the 'stable A graders', then today made me truly feel like one of them. In the event of a mishap, the basic standard is still there to help cushion the fall. A blessing? Yesterday, this morning, I truly believed that today would be my peak. But it wasn't. I fell short of my own standards. Could have done so much better than today. That is, if I can rewind time.

It's all over. Just like that. It's a very dreamy feeling...not as real as the feeling from 2 years ago when I truly felt that the music was really the best I've given.

Come to think of it, I'm so glad that I decided to stay on with DHSCO in senior high. I've really grown so much from Year 1 till now. From a junior to a senior. I really disliked it in the beginning (because of my misguided passion for something else lol) Then came SYF 2007 - decided that it wasn't too bad after all but still had some reservations. And come senior high, I finally realised that this was the only place I'd ever want to be, even though I may like to play tennis. So I'm really glad I stayed on with DHSCO, sharing all kinds of emotions and experiences with all my good friends, practising till late recently and having gossipping sessions together. It's a very natural family feeling that I can safely say that I'd never ever get anywhere else.

Thank you all for going through this experience again, even though it may be more unpleasant than 2 years ago. Also, thank you all my friends who are very concerned about my headache/eye pain. It's not getting any better now. Even though I'm really feeling depressed over this (always feel like crying when I think about this - it just makes me feel better), I know I have to face it and not just down painkillers which aren't really effective in killing the pain. I know that I've to find solutions for this problem I'm facing now, and I really do hope I can find one. Recently it also felt like playing music is my emotional solace where I can forget my worries/pain. During SYF today, I didn't feel any pain. I wonder what I'm going to do in the future if this pain is here to stay.

Shall go and sleep now! I really had a hard time studying for mock spa just now so I hope I can at least churn out some stuff tomorrow. I also hope the trip to the doctor tomorrow will be fruitful - it's extremely pain now. God, please bless me.

10:42 PM

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

GO DHSCO (SH)!

-
Btw, I'm really fucking scared. For myself. I really hope everything is fine, and I can go back to living normally. If not, I really hope a miracle will happen.

11:36 PM

Sunday, May 03, 2009

I have a perpetual, disturbing F___ing pain in the region around my left eye!!!

Sometimes the pain just spreads to my left eye itself, causing a temporary sharp pain. It made me very depressed these two days. Apparently when I press the painful region, the pain seems to come from my left eyebrow :( The last recollection I have of any mishaps of my eye/head was last last Friday when I tried to look out of the window of my dad's car, clearly forgetting the fact that the window wasn't down at all, and ignoring the close proximity I was to the window. Lol. Bang. Ouch. But the pain only surfaced last Monday during Chem. Then it disappeared for a few days until yesterday when the pain just appeared and distracted me the whole bloody day. And today. My dad applied some heat cream onto it (err that is if it's a bruise) and some heat cream got onto my eyelid and my eyelids were burning hot. Couldn't open my eye for some time.

Initially I kind of attributed it to the lack of sleep but lately I've been getting 10 hours of sleep each night due to the long weekend. And the pain has been getting worse. My eyesight isn't affected much though. So what's causing the pain!!!

YES IT'S DAMN F-ING PAIN NOW DARNNNNNNNNN ): INTOLERABLY PAIN.

AND SYF IS SO SO SO NEAR I DON'T WANT ANY DISTRACTIONS!

If it doesn't go away, then I'll really visit the doctor. I hope it's not something growing, like what FT said. Or worse, some tumour?! I'm always imagining the worst so I can always be prepared for unfortunate events.

On hindsight, my health has really been bad so far. All the problems just have to pop up in this crucial year. My mum says I should aspire to marry a doctor in the future. Maybe I should.

7:25 PM

About

Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.